I have twice successfully completed the Seattle to Portland Bicycle Classic (STP).  That’s 200 miles in 2 days, folks.  Not for the faint of heart.

One clear memory I have of the first one I tackled is of the last hill into Portland.  By that point I was over 190 miles down, with only a few to go.  My whole body hurt.  It must have been around 20 hours in the saddle over the past two days by then.  Not to mention I had a bad knee.  Not to mention I was riding with a couple guys who hadn’t trained so we were drafting with me in front, fighting the wind resistance.

I could see the skyline.  It was torturous that the mostly-flat route would turn on us at this point.  I suddenly felt like my legs were made of lead.  I had to stop.  It was stupid, I knew.  Nobody stops in the middle of an incline, and especially not when you’re only 15 minutes from the finish line!  All the bikers around me were catching a second wind, their adrenaline propelling them up that hill.  But I had to stop and take big gulps of air.  The guys I was with groaned.

I know there had to be something happening psychologically in that moment.  I mean, my quads had stayed strong for 190 miles, what was 10 more?  What about that moment of seeing the skyline would make my muscles turn to mush?  No, I think it was something happening in my mind.  Because I’ve seen it happen in other situations, too, when the end is in sight.

I’m working on a paper in college, pulling an all-nighter, and my eyes start closing right as I get to my conclusion paragraph.

I’m giving a teaching in Thai, and my motivation sinks to the floor right as we get to the last key point.

I’m cleaning my house, and though I know I should scrub the bathrooms along with the other floors, I just call it a day after mopping and leave the bathrooms for later.

And now, I’m 6 months away from moving back to the States, and I’ve never felt so tired in my 5 years here.

My proverbial muscles have turned to mush.  The end is in sight; there isn’t a literal skyline on the horizon, but a new job description I’m working out, a new budget I’m calculating, plane tickets I’m looking into are all constant reminders of how close I am to the end.  And instead of feeling energized to pedal hard across that finish line, I’m idling and gulping air.

Practically, my life and ministry are much as they have been, if not busier.  But internally, I’m much more fatigued by each activity.  It’s hard to think ahead or plan much.  I’m sleeping a LOT.

In some ways, this is very different from the STP.  First of all, a huge part of doing the STP is to just see if you’ll make it over that finish line.  Each mile pedaled is for the purpose of getting to Portland (especially for a “J” on the Myers-Briggs like me).  But becoming a missionary is definitely not like that.  The desire is to see God work throughout the journey, and living faithfully is the challenge– which is renewed each day, each moment.  There is an end to my time here, but the fruit and the reward come each day as I walk with God, not once I leave the field and can say that I made it to the end.  That’s nothing to scoff at, but it’s really not the point.

Secondly, 6 months is a lot different than 10 miles.  Taken out of the context of a 5-year commitment, 6 months is a significant amount of time to commit to something.  Being responsive to God in a slum community where I’ve planted roots and sown seed could bring about some really beautiful fruit between now and October.

I think what I need, from God, is help in living in the moment.  Living in the moment, and also in anticipation of what could be– next week, tomorrow, this afternoon.  It’s when I look back that I see how long I’ve been here and how quickly 6 months has gone by in the past and how tired I am and how much I’ve lived through here.  It’s when I look back that I realize how many miles I’ve pedaled and just how sore my legs are.  The hope of what God could do right now fails to move me; the exhilaration of pedaling up that hill and into Portland isn’t enough to keep me in the saddle.  I feel that I HAVE to rest NOW.

But God has carried me this long, I know he will carry me to the end.  Would I live out that belief each of my remaining days here, for his kingdom.