I feel a strange mix of emotions when I am in Permsup. I thankfully have not grown numb to the darkness of the place, I have not been fooled by the seemingly carefree demeanors and laughter, often alcohol-induced or a mask to hide pain. I still see the garbage and mangy dogs who have scratched off most of their hair; I still smell the sewage; I still see fathers and husbands incoherently drunk at 5 p.m.; I still feel the heat that fans cannot relieve; I still see the dirty and neglected children; I still sense the shame of the Isan people for their dark skin and imperfect Thai.
It could be easy to slip into hopelessness. After all, nearly everyone here has. Who am I to believe anything different?
“The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.”
Then he rolled up the scroll, gave it back to the attendant and sat down. The eyes of everyone in the synagogue were fastened on him, and he began by saying to them, “Today this scripture is fulfilled in your hearing.” –Luke 4:18-21
Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” After he said this, he showed them his hands and side. The disciples were overjoyed when they say the Lord.
Again Jesus said, “Peace be with you! As the Father has sent me, I am sending you.” –John 20:20-21
So it is a mix of emotions I feel when I am in Permsup, because there is a light of hope in me that is competing with the darkness. It has seemed strange to me that often my deepest sense of peace comes when I am in this slum, among these broken people. I wondered how this could be, that I would feel joy in the midst of such pain.
I’ve been reading Chasing the Dragon, an account of Jackie Pullinger’s outreach to drug addicts and prostitutes in Hong Kong’s Walled City. It has been extremely inspirational and encouraging. This paragraph particularly resonated with me:
The second time I went into the Walled City I had this wonderful feeling inside; the thrill you get on your birthday. I found myself wondering why was I so happy? And the next time I went into the Walle City I had exactly the same sensation. This was not reasonable– of all the revolting places in the world. And yet nearly every time I was in that underground city over the next dozen years I was to feel the same joy. I had caught a glimpse of it at confirmation, and again when I had really accepted Jesus into my life– now to find it in this profane place?– p. 39
There is a peace that comes with following Jesus, I’ve found, that has nothing to do with outside circumstances. There is much to be hopeless about, much to be afraid of, and yet God has kept that hope alive in me and I have seldom felt afraid here. I know he is protecting me, he has called me here; it is the Lord who will accomplish his will through me and bring new life to Permsup (I can already see him doing that!). I have often felt at the end of myself here, like a child who is both extremely vulnerable and incapable of accomplishing much of significance. It has been leading me to greater and greater dependence on God, and he is showing himself to be trustworthy and powerful. It has been humbling, but I believe that this will bring God greater glory. He alone is my strength, he alone is my hope.
